Dreaming a little deeper

This afternoon my moon center moved into my clitoris. Hello deep reflection and intimacy. I’m still hazy from an intense afternoon nap — often on the cycles my center shifts midday I find myself more tired. Needing to rest even more with two growing babes (one inside and one out), I’ve felt a little drugged. As I consciously shift into a time of reflection, I’ll intentionally pick up my journal tonight and dig a little deeper than normal. If I don’t make space for that now I’ll wish I had — in this center I need to get to the root of me or I’ll find myself unsatsfied with the world outside. 


Picture captured during my first pregnancy by @artefactimageco. Looking into my own eyes I can so clearly remember the swell of emotions. ‘What’s this birth going to beeeee like?’ consumed me. I had so many questions. Baby showers, midwife appointments, birth planning — these things brought so much joy and excitement — synonymous with anxiety to me here. I worked so hard to channel the intensity and still brought so much of it with me into the birth.
So far this second pregnancy has provided space for much more softness, ease and trusting in my body and this babe. Emotions still high, if not higher, but deeper, darker in many ways yet they feel feel pure and more seen.

Dreams are the first place I’ll go with my journal tonight to reflect on my current state. There’s so much for me to access there right now. And a sweet friend @owlsbotanicals just shared a homemade tincture with me that may help that go even deeper. My muscles are testing yes for it so I am along for the ride. When I reflect on my dreams, I first write everything I can remember. Every little detail that comes to mind, and the more sense stimulating — colors, sounds, sensations in general — the better. There’s always more that comes back as my pen moves. Then I identify the key emotions. Was I happy to be where I was in the dream? What feelings were coming up? What did I want to happen in that moment? Typically, the answers to those questions will correlate to a current life experience and the reflection process begins to unfold from there.

Sweet dreams and love to you tonight.

Alexandria

Dear Baby

Today is July 2nd, 2015. You’re growing inside my belly and I’m sitting at our dining room table, looking out across our backyard watching a summer storm roll in. Tonight is a full moon and I would love to see you under it.

It has been 10 days since your second due date. The first one was June 12th — if we go off of that, you’ve been developing for 43 weeks now. But that’s a poor attempt at trying to understand the vast magical creation of who you are; which I know we cannot grasp. This has been such an incredible test of patience, as your Daddy and I are both so excited to meet you. We can’t wait to hold you, to kiss you, to look into your eyes and cuddle you. However, once we have that I know we will then just be waiting to learn more about you. We won’t be able to wait to learn your preferences, your passions, your talents. Which we know you will have many of.

There’s no doubt at my core that you are going to be a brilliant, beautiful and powerful person on this planet. The chatter of my mind has all sorts of things to worry about — is it taking to long for you to be born? Will you be healthy? Will I be able to handle the birth? Will you love us? Will you hate us someday?

Though it is quite loud at times, I know the chatter is useless worry. I have gotten pretty good at distinguishing the fear based voices in my head over the past few years. A practice I hope to share with you often.

We have a wonderful midwife, Maria. Her team is really phenomenal, too. You will love them. They have been so supportive of our family, as have many others. Everyone at the studio is so excited to meet you. Along with many other friends who have been so supportive and praying for your safe entry into this world. Your grandparents are thrilled. You grandmother, Robin, grandfather, Mark, and grandfather, Avo, are all chomping at the bit to meet you! Their lives will be filled with joy because of you. And I’m sure you’ve met your grandmother, Kim. I know she will always be watching over you.

Your Daddy loves you so much already. He has been singing and talking to you and plays little games with you just as often as you will entertain him from the womb. He loves pressing his ear up against my belly and hearing your heartbeat. I don’t think there ever has or ever will be a child more loved than you.

I am doing the best I can to be a good Momma already. And I know you’re doing your very best, too. That’s all we can do in this world. My prayer for you is that you are confident in yourself above all else on this planet. That you trust your instincts, value your own internal and external guidance above all else, and soak up all the joy and beauty that this world has to offer. May you be healthy and strong, vibrant and loving, generous and abundant in all that you do. Whatever you life path is, I will be here for you. Nudging you at times to remember who you are and where you came from and most importantly, loving you beyond measure.

Please be patient with me and I will be so with you. Let’s work to sort through our emotions and teach each other how to navigate this world together, communicating our needs as much as possible and helping elevate the planet with each breath. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mother and Michael to be your Father. It is the greatest honor I have had yet in this lifetime.

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“Are you ready?!”

Today during a home visit our midwife Maria asked, “What’s the one thing that you each still need to do in order to be prepared for this birth?” Michael said exactly what I needed him to:  He’s focused on wrapping up our business details so we can both be fully present with the baby over the summer. So grateful for that. For me, there was an immediate scan of the details looking for the answer. More baby stuff? No, we’ve done a great job of keeping the things we need to a basic minimum and we’re set on those. Organization? No, not the house, it’s as perfect as it’s ever going to be. Is there a book I still need to read? None of that landed. I paused another moment and then the answer was really clear:  Take time to connect with those I love and share this awesome journey.

I have had an incredible nine months self inquiry and transformation. Something I naturally gravitate to as an introspective yogi, pregnancy has heightened the experience. From working through past memories to major breakthroughs around the energy passing through me right now, I have loved every minute of this work. Pregnancy is the coolest thing I have experienced to date. There is a deep satisfaction in utilizing my body to make another human — it is almost like a sigh of relief for me — “this is what I was meant to do”.

So with all this work, people keep asking me, “Are you ready?!” The answer to that is a definite YES. I am as ready as I will ever be. The only thing that I feel truly confident about with this upcoming birth is that the process is designed to break you — to push ME to a point where I will think there’s no way that I can do this — and then somehow I do. As a self-proclaimed development junkie, that part excites me in many ways. Though I fully expect there to be moments, hours or days where I wish that I could turn around and get out of the work. Whatever happens, I know I am not fully prepared for it, because the person typing these words today is not the person who will come through on the other end. So I am as ready as I will ever be and the true test will come as soon as this babe is, too 🙂

Coping with Emotions: Finding the How and Why to Move Forward

Yesterday I received a heart wrenching email. Yet another friend and fellow yoga teacher shared her news about the miscarriage of a baby she was greatly wishing for. Whether it is just that we are sharing more information nowadays between social media and technology in general, or that a majority of my friends are now entering this stage of their life where experiences like this are present, I am hearing more about little babes that come and go in the womb more often then ever lately. As well as friends and family who struggle with conceiving to begin with. Often my mind wants to ask why and to be swept away in the search for reason and answers. Yet that would be a missed opportunity to truly cope with what is in front of me and support those who need it most. Here are two key steps to coping; may they help you or someone you love in a time of need:

  1. Commit to making this a life-moving-forward experience. I have no argument for experiences like the loss of a child in a present moment. While there are always perceptions that we can shift in our current situation, and in hindsight we always see a bigger picture of our lives that we can understand more fully, we’ll never completely know in this moment  why our path includes the crazy ups and downs that it does. It’s part of the journey of life that makes us fully alive. What we can do is commit to transforming each experience we are presented with into life-moving-forward energy. No matter how traumatic, unfair or unreasonable what you’re going through is, it can allow your current relationships to grow stronger and new bonds to form. It can give you the experience needed to help others processing similar things. It can also expand your ability to fully love and be loved. Whatever life-moving-forward energy is available to you, commit to finding it. Once this commitment is truly made within you, something begins to shift. This doesn’t mean that your wound heals immediately; it means that your consciousness can begin to be directed down a path toward healing.
  2. Consciously acknowledge and feel the full range of your emotions. With any traumatic experience, the range of emotions that come can seem endless. It’s valuable to recognize that they are not in fact endless, and they can be consciously examined– all of them – again and again. Take out a piece of paper and record every emotion you can identify:  anger, fear, grief, guilt, disappointment, rage, terror. Let the list go on and on. And don’t leave out the good ones, too, they’re there:  gratitude for the support you are getting, relief that you may know something is over, maybe even happiness that you’re alive.

Early on in my first pregnancy, my husband (fiance at the time) and I went to get an ultrasound, as both our midwife and nurse-midwife couldn’t find a heartbeat for our little one. I remember the experience vividly – the people in the waiting room, the music playing and the anticipation of knowing one way or the other. When the moment of truth finally came and the nurse said, “We have viability – that’s a strong heartbeat and healthy looking baby,” my immediate emotions were overwhelming relief, gratitude and hope. As we drove home, I scanned my emotions further and identified feelings of disappointment, too! I would be lying if I didn’t say I was also just as terrified to know that a baby was, in fact, still on the way. So I shared those with Michael and he was massively relieved – he was feeling guilty for having similar feelings. We laughed and it made the entire experience more whole. Life is a giant roller coaster of thought and emotion. Deciphering moment-to-moment what you truly are experiencing is the key to find grounding along the ride.

Once you have truly committed to finding the life-moving-forward energy and can continuously identify and acknowledge your individual emotions within, the process of coping with what is in front of you begins. While what you’re dealing with may gradually cease to be at the forefront of your thoughts each day, coping never truly ends. Your experiences will always influence who you are in this life. How you relate to others, how well you know yourself, and the decisions you choose day to day are always influenced by what we’re processing throughout life. True coping, to me, is when all aspects of who you are fully embrace, and you utilize your experiences to move your life forward — along with the lives of those around you. As your heart experiences rawness and the full spectrum of life’s sensations, may it shine brighter to the world and guide you along a path to peace.

Alexandria is an Energy + Life Coach, Doula, and Yoga practitioner. She owns two Yoga Deza studios in Fayetteville and Bentonville, Arkansas, where she trains and develops passionate community leaders. She is currently expecting her first baby due June 2015.

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On Choosing a Home Birth

I believe a home birth is the best choice for every healthy, normal pregnancy. That being said, I totally get why many women choose a hospital or birthing center and I love working with and talking to all Moms about their birth, location irrelevant. I do ask that all future Mamas watch Business of Being Born before making any final decisions. It’s important to me that if a Mom does pay a facility to support her birth, she’s as well prepared as possible to make informed decisions throughout the entire process.

Because home births are so rare in today’s society (less than 2% of babies are born at home) and I was blessed to by birthed at home myself, I choose to advocate for home births as much as I can. Here are top three things that I think all parents should take into consideration;

There’s nothing more sacred in this world than the birthing of a child. It is the process of bringing a new soul into our world and should be facilitated by those who can hold the most peaceful, welcoming and spiritual place possible. I have yet to walk into a hospital or doctors office that cultivates that experience for me.

A babe’s first moment outside of the womb is the foundation for how he or she will interact with the world. Babies are programed to grow and absorb information around them at beyond rapid rates. His or her first encounters with human touch, sounds and smells establish the blueprint for learning. This is not the primary concern of heath care employees. I have met so many children who seem to be struggling from an experience of PTSD from their birth. Delivering a truly healthy baby is far beyond the physical result.

Giving birth is the single most powerful movement of energy a human can undertake. Our bodies are meant to do this — naturally. We weren’t born with a malfunctioning system. As women we have been created with everything we need to have an empowering birth on our own. It’s the most beautiful and powerful act. The sensations of a baby coming out are normal and healthy. They inspire emotional releases like no other, allowing for powerful connection and bonding between two humans that is unparalleled to any other experience.

If you’re considering a home birth and not sure if it’s right for you or you’d just like to hear more about my experience, I’d love to share and connect further ❤

The Freak Out

Finding out I was pregnant. I like sharing this story as it’s such a great reminder for me how much our emotions can take over common sense and prevent a surrender to the moment. My practice of self-inquiry and meditation helps me watch these emotions come in and consciously choose how to process them. I still have moments where that’s not the case though, and in moments like these, self-observation can go out the window.

While it would soon become to most exciting and empowering news of my life, the first realization that a little one was growing inside me was not such an experience. I was not planning to get pregnant nor did I think it could possibly happen any time soon. My now husband (live-in-boyfriend at the time) and I had joked about it and I’d written children into my 5-10 year vision. I always knew I’d be a Mom. But.. not now!

It was a crisp fall evening and Michael and I were at my family’s cabin in Boxley for the weekend, alone, relaxing and enjoying a delicious dinner. I’d filled my belly with roasted beets specifically and we were settling in on the sofa for a cuddle session on the sofa. All the sudden there was a grumble in my stomach, one that caused me to shift positions. Something was strange, I couldn’t get comfortable. What were these sensations? I’ve never felt anything like this before.. The beets? No.. I’m pregnant.

That was it. I knew in an instant. My rational mind didn’t have much of a chance to step in. I’d moved into full on freak-out mode pretty quickly. The only thing I wanted to do: Call my Mom. So I called her and in tears told her I was afraid I was pregnant. I could sense a lightness in her that I couldn’t at the time find in myself. She laughed at me a bit and asked me a lot of reasonable questions including: “Well, have you taken a pregnancy test? No.. Well honey, take a test and call me when you do.” At this point Michael was bordering on confusion between my Mom’s common sense and my hysteria. He did a great job of calming me down for the night and we agreed to go get a test in the morning.

The sun didn’t bring me much relief. When we woke up, I immediately wanted to leave for the test. So we made the 45min drive to the closest store. I remember being quite a lunatic along the way, to be frank. I knew I was being over emotional and creating unnecessary stress in my body and mind through many different thought patterns of fear. My normally cool and intentional composure was taking a way back seat. I yelled and said mean things, I questioned my relationship with Michael and who he was for me. I accused him of not being who or what I needed him to be in the moment. I was seeking anything I could do or say to pretend I was in control of the situation, no matter how illogical or irrational it was.

We get there. I go in, buy a test, and walk straight to the restroom to use it.

Something majorly shifted within me the moment I saw the test was positive. I was going to be a Mom. There was some validation outside of my own head and body sitting on the counter. While emotional patterns of hysteria were still present — I’d majorly stimulated my nervous system and it would take a while for me to calm it back down — there was a deeper knowing, life was never going to be the same.