This afternoon my moon center moved into my clitoris. Hello deep reflection and intimacy. I’m still hazy from an intense afternoon nap — often on the cycles my center shifts midday I find myself more tired. Needing to rest even more with two growing babes (one inside and one out), I’ve felt a little drugged. As I consciously shift into a time of reflection, I’ll intentionally pick up my journal tonight and dig a little deeper than normal. If I don’t make space for that now I’ll wish I had — in this center I need to get to the root of me or I’ll find myself unsatsfied with the world outside.
Picture captured during my first pregnancy by @artefactimageco. Looking into my own eyes I can so clearly remember the swell of emotions. ‘What’s this birth going to beeeee like?’ consumed me. I had so many questions. Baby showers, midwife appointments, birth planning — these things brought so much joy and excitement — synonymous with anxiety to me here. I worked so hard to channel the intensity and still brought so much of it with me into the birth.
So far this second pregnancy has provided space for much more softness, ease and trusting in my body and this babe. Emotions still high, if not higher, but deeper, darker in many ways yet they feel feel pure and more seen.
Dreams are the first place I’ll go with my journal tonight to reflect on my current state. There’s so much for me to access there right now. And a sweet friend @owlsbotanicals just shared a homemade tincture with me that may help that go even deeper. My muscles are testing yes for it so I am along for the ride. When I reflect on my dreams, I first write everything I can remember. Every little detail that comes to mind, and the more sense stimulating — colors, sounds, sensations in general — the better. There’s always more that comes back as my pen moves. Then I identify the key emotions. Was I happy to be where I was in the dream? What feelings were coming up? What did I want to happen in that moment? Typically, the answers to those questions will correlate to a current life experience and the reflection process begins to unfold from there.
Sweet dreams and love to you tonight.
Today during a home visit our midwife Maria asked, “What’s the one thing that you each still need to do in order to be prepared for this birth?” Michael said exactly what I needed him to: He’s focused on wrapping up our business details so we can both be fully present with the baby over the summer. So grateful for that. For me, there was an immediate scan of the details looking for the answer. More baby stuff? No, we’ve done a great job of keeping the things we need to a basic minimum and we’re set on those. Organization? No, not the house, it’s as perfect as it’s ever going to be. Is there a book I still need to read? None of that landed. I paused another moment and then the answer was really clear: Take time to connect with those I love and share this awesome journey.
I have had an incredible nine months self inquiry and transformation. Something I naturally gravitate to as an introspective yogi, pregnancy has heightened the experience. From working through past memories to major breakthroughs around the energy passing through me right now, I have loved every minute of this work. Pregnancy is the coolest thing I have experienced to date. There is a deep satisfaction in utilizing my body to make another human — it is almost like a sigh of relief for me — “this is what I was meant to do”.
So with all this work, people keep asking me, “Are you ready?!” The answer to that is a definite YES. I am as ready as I will ever be. The only thing that I feel truly confident about with this upcoming birth is that the process is designed to break you — to push ME to a point where I will think there’s no way that I can do this — and then somehow I do. As a self-proclaimed development junkie, that part excites me in many ways. Though I fully expect there to be moments, hours or days where I wish that I could turn around and get out of the work. Whatever happens, I know I am not fully prepared for it, because the person typing these words today is not the person who will come through on the other end. So I am as ready as I will ever be and the true test will come as soon as this babe is, too 🙂
I believe a home birth is the best choice for every healthy, normal pregnancy. That being said, I totally get why many women choose a hospital or birthing center and I love working with and talking to all Moms about their birth, location irrelevant. I do ask that all future Mamas watch Business of Being Born before making any final decisions. It’s important to me that if a Mom does pay a facility to support her birth, she’s as well prepared as possible to make informed decisions throughout the entire process.
Because home births are so rare in today’s society (less than 2% of babies are born at home) and I was blessed to by birthed at home myself, I choose to advocate for home births as much as I can. Here are top three things that I think all parents should take into consideration;
There’s nothing more sacred in this world than the birthing of a child. It is the process of bringing a new soul into our world and should be facilitated by those who can hold the most peaceful, welcoming and spiritual place possible. I have yet to walk into a hospital or doctors office that cultivates that experience for me.
A babe’s first moment outside of the womb is the foundation for how he or she will interact with the world. Babies are programed to grow and absorb information around them at beyond rapid rates. His or her first encounters with human touch, sounds and smells establish the blueprint for learning. This is not the primary concern of heath care employees. I have met so many children who seem to be struggling from an experience of PTSD from their birth. Delivering a truly healthy baby is far beyond the physical result.
Giving birth is the single most powerful movement of energy a human can undertake. Our bodies are meant to do this — naturally. We weren’t born with a malfunctioning system. As women we have been created with everything we need to have an empowering birth on our own. It’s the most beautiful and powerful act. The sensations of a baby coming out are normal and healthy. They inspire emotional releases like no other, allowing for powerful connection and bonding between two humans that is unparalleled to any other experience.
If you’re considering a home birth and not sure if it’s right for you or you’d just like to hear more about my experience, I’d love to share and connect further ❤
Finding out I was pregnant. I like sharing this story as it’s such a great reminder for me how much our emotions can take over common sense and prevent a surrender to the moment. My practice of self-inquiry and meditation helps me watch these emotions come in and consciously choose how to process them. I still have moments where that’s not the case though, and in moments like these, self-observation can go out the window.
While it would soon become to most exciting and empowering news of my life, the first realization that a little one was growing inside me was not such an experience. I was not planning to get pregnant nor did I think it could possibly happen any time soon. My now husband (live-in-boyfriend at the time) and I had joked about it and I’d written children into my 5-10 year vision. I always knew I’d be a Mom. But.. not now!
It was a crisp fall evening and Michael and I were at my family’s cabin in Boxley for the weekend, alone, relaxing and enjoying a delicious dinner. I’d filled my belly with roasted beets specifically and we were settling in on the sofa for a cuddle session on the sofa. All the sudden there was a grumble in my stomach, one that caused me to shift positions. Something was strange, I couldn’t get comfortable. What were these sensations? I’ve never felt anything like this before.. The beets? No.. I’m pregnant.
That was it. I knew in an instant. My rational mind didn’t have much of a chance to step in. I’d moved into full on freak-out mode pretty quickly. The only thing I wanted to do: Call my Mom. So I called her and in tears told her I was afraid I was pregnant. I could sense a lightness in her that I couldn’t at the time find in myself. She laughed at me a bit and asked me a lot of reasonable questions including: “Well, have you taken a pregnancy test? No.. Well honey, take a test and call me when you do.” At this point Michael was bordering on confusion between my Mom’s common sense and my hysteria. He did a great job of calming me down for the night and we agreed to go get a test in the morning.
The sun didn’t bring me much relief. When we woke up, I immediately wanted to leave for the test. So we made the 45min drive to the closest store. I remember being quite a lunatic along the way, to be frank. I knew I was being over emotional and creating unnecessary stress in my body and mind through many different thought patterns of fear. My normally cool and intentional composure was taking a way back seat. I yelled and said mean things, I questioned my relationship with Michael and who he was for me. I accused him of not being who or what I needed him to be in the moment. I was seeking anything I could do or say to pretend I was in control of the situation, no matter how illogical or irrational it was.
We get there. I go in, buy a test, and walk straight to the restroom to use it.
Something majorly shifted within me the moment I saw the test was positive. I was going to be a Mom. There was some validation outside of my own head and body sitting on the counter. While emotional patterns of hysteria were still present — I’d majorly stimulated my nervous system and it would take a while for me to calm it back down — there was a deeper knowing, life was never going to be the same.