Becoming a mother hasn’t changed who I feel I am as much as it’s changed where I feel I am. The expansiveness of this world courses through my veins and as a mother I sense being rooted to this earth in a new way. I feel safer, experiencing how life enters this realm seems to lessen my own anxiety of this journey. Witnessing both the vulnerability and fierce nature of a molding spirit, I understand my memories more and can process the energies of those around me in new ways. I’m more quick to both forgive and move on, knowing the journeys we are all on in this shared existence seal us together beyond physical or emotional interaction. I’m still the same me, and as I love these tiny humans more, I am loving myself more.
Picture taken by my husband on our first road trip as a family of 4. Three and a half weeks of adventure, struggle and miracles. The trip started with me leading a teacher training in St Louis — a prenatal program that was simultaneously the worst and best time I have had leading. It was a huge learning experience for me. Testing the waters of traveling and teaching with littles, everything has different costs and benefits. At the end of this program I’m so clear that I need to start all of my working relationships with a disclaimer. Warning! I am a mother. I have two children that still fit on my hips. At any point in time, I may pause what we are doing and tend to their needs, as it’s like we share the same air, and while we may go off and swim in different directions, when we need to refill we do. Note, Judah’s tiny lungs don’t last long. And when I come back, I will breathe new life.
Judah, Judaea, Judy, Jooddle, Jude. I must call you twelve names in a day, because you represent so many unique and deep sources of love for me. To all of these names you respond with a huge smile, and I’ve never met someone so generous as you with your joy. Thank you for coming into this family. While it pains me that we drove you across country at 10mo, your head bobbling away for hours on end, I know you signed up for this fun when you picked me to be your mom. And we did this with Indra at 3mo (through snow covered mountains — what??). So we are a little less crazy with you.
Still crazy. And I think the above disclaimer will help me to navigate my working relationships more effectively going forward. This trip wasn’t unsuccessful in that by any means, but it did shed new light for me around what I need to create. I’m only interested in this teaching gig if it means I can say I was with my kids when they needed me and they were welcome everywhere I went. This is my norm and we have many more years of yoga circles and community. A dear teacher friend (who joined the STL program) chuckles at the ideal of Indra one day realizing his childhood was not the norm — not every kid played with plastic water bellies and sang Sita Ram while mom taught yoga?
So after the program, the second leg of our travels was east to the Carolinas. This was a last-minute decision preceded by years of anticipation. Michael’s mom was born into a huge (to me) tight-knit country family in the foothills of the Asheville mountains. She’s been gone for over 15 years and while I haven’t met her in human form, I have felt very connected to her and looked forward to meeting this side of Mike’s family. I allowed myself to feel fully welcomed and accepted, something new to me and also made possible by country hospitality and regular affirmation from his family. I also arrived in my hairline, which never hurts. It was incredibly beautiful and soul-filling. It’s a special place and I look forward to going back regularly.
More than anything I am happy to return home. I am also pleased to post on here! And grateful to be in my lips finding meaningful words and so glad to be transitioning out. I feel like the end of a lips cycle when I’ve been biting my tongue for three days is the worst! I’ll go and fantasize in my eyebrows now… 😂💋