The sound of August rain mixed with a cool breeze on my skin and the faint smell of Tuber Roses in the air.. A combination that makes time stand still. Throw in a sweet cuddly baby in my lap and my loving handsome husband sleeping at my side and all my brain can think is, ‘How did I get here?’. There is a time for questioning and a time for being. Right now I choose to direct my mind toward the latter.
I am a mother full-on now. Not a mom in transition or training. And definitely not a future mom in wonder about what the experience will be like. My body and energy are back to most of their natural and normal rhythms. I have found myself returning to many parts of my daily routine that I had forgotten. Old thought patterns have crept back in, too. Some I missed and some still spark frustration; all are a compilation of me at my fullest today. Life feels like I just returned from a great big adventure; pregnancy being a long road traveled and birth the ultimate battle within myself. Now I am returning home and things are setting back to normal. Just now there is this new little piece of my soul beating and breathing outside of me. I feel nothing but joy and excitement when I focus my energy there.
Indra has been teaching me the most about relationships and communication. I think of him like the karma police. He will treat and talk about others like I do. He will eat and take care of his body like I do. Ultimately, he will treat me as I enable others to treat me. Since he entered my life every word and action has double the importance, if not more. He will carry on a legacy of our family. My most important job is to stay true to my highest self, not who I have been in the past or who I think I should be and especially not what others expect or want from me.
For the first time I have experienced people close to me expressing their displeasure with some of my decisions or actions in recent weeks. I have been told that many of the things I have chosen as a parent are extreme or a little crazy (to put it nicely). For the most part I have lived my life in a pleasing way for others until the point. Even leaving corporate America to teach yoga was a respected decision to make with my life — others saw me following my passions and becoming an entrepreneur. But something shifts when you have a child of your own. I have found myself feeling questioned and judged by others more then ever lately. At one point I was in tears reflecting over a parenting request I made that insulted someone and Michael said to me, “Have you never had people think you are crazy before?”. That was a big moment for me.. No, I haven’t actually. It is a new feeling for sure. But the more I ponder it, the more I realize it is exactly the feeling I should be having if I am ready to shake things up in life. To truly listen to myself and not try to please others, to live and create my family legacy to the fullest.
Choosing a home birth alone was a major decision different than 98% of our country’s population. And among the wonderful people I have been connected with through home birthing community, our parenting style is unique to anyone I have met. I sense we are just getting started on this passionate path of ours, too. So I choose love, patience and ease in discomfort and conflict. May my little karma policeman see that and choose the same someday when his time comes. If the world calls you crazy, smile and know that you are you and they are them and through all of our vast uniqueness we all are one in the end.