Finding out I was pregnant. I like sharing this story as it’s such a great reminder for me how much our emotions can take over common sense and prevent a surrender to the moment. My practice of self-inquiry and meditation helps me watch these emotions come in and consciously choose how to process them. I still have moments where that’s not the case though, and in moments like these, self-observation can go out the window.
While it would soon become to most exciting and empowering news of my life, the first realization that a little one was growing inside me was not such an experience. I was not planning to get pregnant nor did I think it could possibly happen any time soon. My now husband (live-in-boyfriend at the time) and I had joked about it and I’d written children into my 5-10 year vision. I always knew I’d be a Mom. But.. not now!
It was a crisp fall evening and Michael and I were at my family’s cabin in Boxley for the weekend, alone, relaxing and enjoying a delicious dinner. I’d filled my belly with roasted beets specifically and we were settling in on the sofa for a cuddle session on the sofa. All the sudden there was a grumble in my stomach, one that caused me to shift positions. Something was strange, I couldn’t get comfortable. What were these sensations? I’ve never felt anything like this before.. The beets? No.. I’m pregnant.
That was it. I knew in an instant. My rational mind didn’t have much of a chance to step in. I’d moved into full on freak-out mode pretty quickly. The only thing I wanted to do: Call my Mom. So I called her and in tears told her I was afraid I was pregnant. I could sense a lightness in her that I couldn’t at the time find in myself. She laughed at me a bit and asked me a lot of reasonable questions including: “Well, have you taken a pregnancy test? No.. Well honey, take a test and call me when you do.” At this point Michael was bordering on confusion between my Mom’s common sense and my hysteria. He did a great job of calming me down for the night and we agreed to go get a test in the morning.
The sun didn’t bring me much relief. When we woke up, I immediately wanted to leave for the test. So we made the 45min drive to the closest store. I remember being quite a lunatic along the way, to be frank. I knew I was being over emotional and creating unnecessary stress in my body and mind through many different thought patterns of fear. My normally cool and intentional composure was taking a way back seat. I yelled and said mean things, I questioned my relationship with Michael and who he was for me. I accused him of not being who or what I needed him to be in the moment. I was seeking anything I could do or say to pretend I was in control of the situation, no matter how illogical or irrational it was.
We get there. I go in, buy a test, and walk straight to the restroom to use it.
Something majorly shifted within me the moment I saw the test was positive. I was going to be a Mom. There was some validation outside of my own head and body sitting on the counter. While emotional patterns of hysteria were still present — I’d majorly stimulated my nervous system and it would take a while for me to calm it back down — there was a deeper knowing, life was never going to be the same.